Hi,
Not sure how to start this little project of mine but i guess some background as to what to expect is as good as it’s going to get.
i’m Kim. i’m a 25 year old navigating through life, torn between what is “right” and what is “wrong”. learning to make choices for myself. learning about myself, what i like and equally what i don’t like. i’m an athlete, a holistic health coach, a data scientist. i love to write when i’m feeling good or bad, it’s my way of communicating. sometimes my thoughts make no sense so i keep them to myself. i’ve decided i don’t want that to be the case. it doesn’t matter if i’m a little all over the place, i want this Substack to be a bit of a journal where i can brain dump and share it. i like hearing and seeing how people think and what goes on in their brains even if it’s sometimes a mess. thus, is born jumbled thoughts, a space where i get to authentically share whatever i feel like, no topic is off limits.
from being a competitive swimmer to a division 1 rower, i’ve always defined myself as an athlete…and so have others. in high school, i was known as “the swimmer” and this identity has kind of followed me around to this day. 10 years later i still get the “Are you still swimming?” What you stopped?!?!?!” “How is that even possible?” “But you love swimming!” gasps and offended surprised looks when i say i don’t.
to have a sport you love and have resorted to for a long time to heal you, build your character, discipline, perseverance, and humility is beautiful. to have it be the box you are put into is a little less. when I quit the sport, i did so because i let myself succumb to the circumstances i was dealt with. i was too stubborn to realize my worth yet not stubborn enough to put everything i had in me into action to become a division 1 swimmer. a spur of the moment decision changed the course of my entire career. over night i was no longer a competitive swimmer, but a competitive rower (also a decision that was made impulsively). quitting swimming was not a conscious choice, nor one i made having thoroughly thought out the consequences of doing so. today, the repercussions of this decision run a lot deeper than i ever cared to admit. i don’t live in regret. i do believe that had i pursued college sports in swimming i would have ended up hating a sport i loved, that ultimately made me a better person and athlete. i just don’t think i realized how much i identified with being a swimmer until i no longer was.
i never came to terms with the fact that i gave up competitive swimming and it took me 10 years and a million mental breakdowns to realize it. i still haven’t come to terms with it and it’s still the sport i find the hardest to get back into because i haven’t been able to break through the mental blocks of no longer being in shape & performing at the level i once was. i don’t think athletes talk enough about what it’s like to leave your sport and be sent into the real world and be expected to survive. granted, i never reached the levels of Michael Phelps or Katie Ledecky, so i’ll never know what it’s like when you reach those heights. but I do believe the experience of leaving a sport that has defined you for a majority of your life, much of that time being during your formative years, is a little of a universal experience.
since then, i‘ve struggled with figuring out who i am outside of being an athlete. i’ve struggled with understanding who i am outside of people’s perceptions of me. i’ve struggled with eating disorders, anxiety and depression and chronic fatigue. I used to turn to swimming when i needed time to think, when i needed to clear my head and be fully present with my thoughts. being in a pool allowed me to release unshed tears, to scream into the water until i no longer had a voice or anything to scream about. it was a healthy energetic release that allowed me to process so much of who i was becoming and wanted to become. once that was gone, i felt lost. i have felt lost for a long time. i am slowly finding my way back to myself. and the first step for that is finally listening to what’s going on in my brain and accepting that i’m experiencing certain feelings. it’s also knowing that some of the coping mechanisms i’ve adopted are unhealthy and only making matters worse. i’ve also accepted that the journey back to myself is going to be a long one. Some habits are so ingrained that i will be fighting them off everyday until they no longer are. i’ll probably be uncomfortable most days because i’ve become too comfortable with feeling apathetic and feeling bad. But i have learned the tools i can resort to when i am feeling this way, i have built foundations throughout my life that i can rely upon to help me through these harder times and harsher climbs. and i’m here to share them.
since then i’ve gotten back into yoga, a discipline i love because it provides me with the same sense of calm and peace i used to get from swimming. it requires discipline, honesty and humility daily. yoga doesn’t require anything other than you showing up everyday to 100% of your capacity for that day. and doing so authentically. before going on my yoga teacher training this last month, i don’t think i would have had the guts to write all of this down, let alone share it with the world. on the first day of training, we were asked why we had chosen to come. i wanted to find my voice again and embrace the yoga of life in full authenticity and transparency. i guess the training worked because here i am using my voice and sharing my thoughts.
i’m learning as i go, figuring out what it means to be healthy. redefining what being an athlete means to me and taking every day as it comes. my story is far from unique and far from special or extreme. but it is mine and it is worth sharing. if i can help even one person by sharing it, including myself, then it is worth every minute i put into this project.
see you soon with lots more to come,
Kim xx
Thanks for sharing Kimmy❤️
Thank you for sharing Kim 🫶🏼